March 26th, 2009 (02:15 pm)
current location: home?
current mood: aggravated
current song: Galway Girl - Steve Earle
Alright so it's 2pm on March 26th and I've gotten up at about 9:30 am, which is early for me. A few months ago I was living in Ajax (a town only an hour or so from where I am now;Belleville) with my dad and I had a real hard time sleeping. I was up until 4, sometimes 5am, on the laptop, wasting my time. But lately, now that I'm home, I've been going to bed at midnight, maybe earlier and waking up early. Now I know why I've been waking up early, it's to talk to a certain someone and I blame and thank him for it. He's put my sleeping habits back to normal so when I do find a job, I won't find myself exhausted during the day. I've been drinking a lot of pop lately, actually and I think I should really stop.. I think it's the reason I'm so overweight, that and I don't move during the day. I've considered going to the gym, but you need money for that, which I don't have, and I want to go swimming, but again there's the issue of money. There are only a few things that really put me down... and lately they've all been happening at once. I feel like I can't even look at myself in the mirror. The only thing I even remotely like about myself is my face, because I can put make-up on and look something close to "good". I absolutely hate my body and don't know how anyone could be attracted to me, even though I know of no one who is anyway. That's another thing, I'm a very passionate person, and when I get a crush on someone, it becomes somewhat of an obsession. I obsess for a few weeks and then it dies off. I do it all the time. The last guy I liked lasted for a while, but it was the same thing, I obsessed over him. I recently discovered Stephen Colbert and went nuts about him for a few months and now I don't even watch his show. A week or so ago I found the band The Lonely Island and I'm still pretty crazy about them, but not as much as I was. Now I've found this awesome guy to talk to online and I feel like I'm doing it again, but I can't stop myself. And what am I supposed to do? This guy makes me happier than most of the people in my life and I can't explain it. I'm trying to slow down and control myself but as soon as he's online, my heart skips a beat and I smile uncontrollably. I hope this doesn't die off in a few weeks, that would tear me to shreds...
Speaking of tearing me to shreds.. I should explain my moving situation. I used to live with my mom and brother in a 2 bedroom apartment, my mom and I shared one room and my brother had his own. Not too long ago my brother moved out and I had my own room, but the time came where I felt I needed to move on. I wasn't in school and had a part-time job with limited hours. Well my dad lives in a town called Ajax not too far from here and I asked him if I could move down there. He agreed. I found a job in no time, and moved into the basement apartment with him, living in the living room and sleeping on the fold out couch. Well I quit my job only a few months after and couldn't seem to find a new one and it was costing my dad, so we discussed me moving back to Belleville but didn't really decide anything.. Until we visited Belleville one weekend and went to dinner with my brother. My dad announces that he's moving out of Ajax and that I have to move back in with my mom (Oh yeah I forgot to mention my brother moved back in with my mom, so I have no room) So I was forced out of my dads place and am now living in the living room of my moms apartment. And now she wants to kick me out, and I'm having the worst time trying to find a job.
My friends are kind of bumming me out, it seems like they always want to hang out, but when it comes down to it, they don't organize anything or they aren't free or never get back to me. I find it really stressful and confusing. It makes me wonder if they've changed too much and have forgotten me, or if I've changed and they don't like me anymore. Plus a handful are going to university or college in the fall and are moving out of Belleville so I'll never see them.
Which is another thing. I want to go to college really bad, but I don't feel like I'm ready. I want to have a job and money before I go. And I really want to go for theater arts. My dream job is to work on a show like SNL or Madtv. Plus I'd love to be in movies and tv shows. The whole Hollywood glamour thing comes into play a little, but I don't need it. I just want to be known...
To be honest, I hate this whole internet thing. I hate meeting people online.. because I'm so outgoing, I feel like it's a waste, and when I'm trying so hard just to find someone to talk to, I find most of the people who contact me are looking for some sort of sexual release. I'm sorry, I like sex.. sure reading sexual things is a turn on, but I don't get the point of cyber sex.. It's just pointless and I'm getting pretty sick of it. And I can just imagine the thoughts going through some people's minds when I say "Oh I've found this awesome guy!" "Oh really? Where's he live?" "Oh..Another country..." the looks are pretty hurtful... and it makes me feel bad. Like sorry the guys I want don't want me back. That's not something I can change.
Wow this note is a lot bigger than I thought it would be haha Sorry for anyone who bothers to read this! I guess I'll stop. Maybe post another one later.